Created in 2006, a satirical lifestyle cycling blog aimed to promote Ohio Valley Cycling, Trail Advocacy and Junior Development written by Joe Bellante, a racer for BioWheels in Cincinnati and freelance writer who's work has appeared in Velonews, XXC and Cyclocross Magazines. Thanks for reading.
#Cyclocross: My Diabolical 5-Step Tactical Plan for Masters Worlds Domination
Fave Cartoon EVER!
Trainer: Gee, Joe Biker, what do you want to do
Joe Biker: The same thing we do every night, Trainer -
try to take over the world!
Clicked into a trainer and surrounded by hibernating garden
tools, garbage cans, and grease coated shop rags, my water bottle and cell
phone rest on the filthy hood of my Toyota 4-Runner. I lost the remote control a few months ago backing
out of the driveway with it still on the hood.
So now, barring unclipping, our 13 inch garage TV is more or less
permanently tuned to Universal Sports. It’s
not bad. At least it’s not figure
skating. I’m watching the first World
Cup bobsled race of the season at high volume because my Ipod battery died 4.5 minutes into
tonight’s trainer workout. Facing a
series of 5 minute blocks of 15 and 30 second all out intervals for the next
eternity, my thoughts turn. I shouldn’t
have made that wrap with beans and started working out in a sealed room. Secondly, I need a better plan to win Worlds,
since actually training probably isn’t going to work. In bike racing, we call this “tactics.”
I Work Owwwwwt!
I try to keep it positive.
Maybe I am the only guy registered for Nationals and Worlds who came
home from work, made a quick veggie wrap, swapped pants for bibs, and hit the
trainer still in dress socks. Then I saw
a Facebook post from the US’s #1 45-49 year old cyclocross racer Fred Rose,
about “punishing” his trainer after work.
Dammit. He’s not eating bacon
while watching Jeopardy and I’m not the only one in the World, North America,
the US, not even the Ohio River Valley dropping sweat on the garage floor in
December. I’m ranked 102nd in
the US of guys my age. In the World, who
knows? I’m so screwed.
Uber-Legend Don Myrah
Then I start to crunch the numbers. Not every 45-49 year old Cyclocrosser in the
World will show up in Louisville in January.
Look at the pre-reg for Nationals.
Out of the 1450 or so ranked riders, only 65 or so were signed up the
last time I checked. Out of those, Race
Predictor slated me in at 28th. Out of
those 28, who will make a second trip to race Worlds in Louisville the
following weekend? I could qualify. I could even get a middle of the pack
call-up. Then I see Olympian, 4x
National Champion, guy I read about in the magazines when I totally sucked at mountain biking and uber-legend Don Myrah is slated in behind me at 29th
for Nationals. No matter how much he
says he hasn’t been training, he’s still a killer. He’ll certainly race Worlds and he’ll certainly
leave me crying for mama between bouts of the pukes in the snow. Then I start to wonder how many Belgians, Netherlanders
and Canadians will make the trip and are watching the bobsled action from their
trainer right now. If I’m going to have
a chance at taking over the World of Cyclocross, I’ve got to commence Plan B.
Step 1: The Irresistible Infecting Invite
Dear Fred, Mike, Keith and other Masters aged Midwest Cyclocrossers
buddies faster than I,
You are cordially
invited to travel over Christmas to Wisconsin with me.I know!How super cool of me!I once
lived and worked in Madison and have the local knowledge, like how to ride your
bike on snowmobile tracks across the frozen lakes.It’s a perfect opportunity to train on the
frozen tundra, maybe pre-ride the Nationals course and enjoy free food and lodging
at my brother in law's house.You can’t
pass it up!
PS…I left out the part about the house crawling with germ
infested kids and dogs and there’s no way any human can walk out of there between
Christmas and Worlds without a sniffle or cough. Good luck with that. Boo ooh ah ha ah!
Step 2: Divert the
Best in the US
To deal with the X-pro and other uber-masters aged athletes
in Colorado, circled around Mt. Rainier and Northeast, I contracted with Cincinnati’s
hotbed of IT geniuses. Based on my
theory that they spend most of their time training for Worlds in meat lockers at
5,000 feet above sea level and not enough on US Geography, I had my band of
hackers make a switcheroo. The venue for
Worlds on the Bikereg.com website now reads:
UCI Masters Cyclo-cross World Championships
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Re: Countries other
than the US and Canada not Eligible for Worlds
It has come to my
attention that historically so called World Championships in North America,
such as the NBA, NHL and NFL are really only contested by two nations, the USA
and Canada. Think about it. Have you ever seen a Mexico City Football
team win the Superbowl or a Dominican baseball team win the “World”
Series? Of course not. Even though
athletes outside of the US and Canada may be better, faster and stronger, it’s
obvious if the World Championships are in the US, it totally sucks donkey turds
but in the eyes of most Americans, your country doesn’t really count. Sorry, but we’ll see you in two years.
Step 4: Defend the
Since that would leave only Canadians left to battle against
me, I have invited hockey superstar Mario LeMieux to Worlds as Master of Ceremonies. While it appears on the surface as a grand
international gesture that’ll draw tons of people from Canada, I have him
contracted to sign autographs, let Canadians touch the Stanley Cup with their bare hands and give a hockey demo on
the Ohio River at precisely the same time as my race. Canadian Masters will be forced to choose
between an everyday occurrence of beating me at a bike race or a once in a
lifetime chance to take the ice with a childhood legend.